


such fragile, broken things

by stefonzolesky



Series: alive but i can barely move [5]
Category: Rawhide (TV)
Genre: M/M, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:26:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24648697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stefonzolesky/pseuds/stefonzolesky
Summary: Mushy gets a letter addressed to H. Mushgrove III.
Relationships: Gil Favor/Rowdy Yates, Rowdy Yates & Harkness "Mushy" Mushgrove III
Series: alive but i can barely move [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1659934
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	such fragile, broken things

Mushy gets a letter addressed to H. Mushgrove III. 

Rowdy watches her carefully as she holds her breath while she opens the envelope, and then leans over her shoulder. 

“Harkness,” He mumbles under his breath. Mushy winces, and Rowdy immediately corrects himself. “Sorry, Juliette. Just reading. Who’s the letter from?”

“My ma,” Mushy mumbles. “Rowdy, I…” She offers the letter up to him. “You mind reading it for me?”

“Gee, Mushy, are you sure?” Rowdy takes the letter, reaching up to scratch at his cheek. “Could be awful personal.” 

“Yeah, but I can’t read words this big yet.” Mushy looks bashful. “If anyone’s gonna read it, it oughta be you, right?” 

Rowdy presses his lips into a tight line. “Sure.” He unfolds the envelope and skims the letter. “Your ma says, uh… She’s… she’s coming to visit, she tracked you down, uh…” He glances up at her. “You okay? You gonna be okay?” 

Mushy shrugs. She wanders over to the table and starts slicing bread, like she’s trying to ignore Rowdy. He follows her over. 

“Mushy?” He asks. She doesn’t answer. “Jules, come on, talk to me. I know what it’s like to have problems like that, my dad ain’t the nicest fella in the world. Do me and the guys need to keep an eye out?” 

“S’just my ma,” Mushy says, keeping her head down. “She can’t do nobody no harm, right? And she ain’t gonna hurt me. I’m… I’m her boy. She ain’t gonna hurt me.” 

Rowdy frowns. He reaches out and puts a hand over Mushy’s. “Up to you to pick which way you want to go with it. I’m not gonna pry and find out what your problem with your ma is. If she gets here an’ you want to pretend like you’re her boy, so be it. But I got a feelin’ you don’t.”

Mushy shakes her head quickly. “I don’t. I just got here, I don’t want to go back so quickly. But she’ll be so angry with me, an’ with all of you boys too. It just ain’t fair.”

Rowdy reaches up to scratch his cheek nervously. He recognizes this one all too well. 

Mushy drops the knife. 

“She hoped to God I’d be a little boy,” She says. “That’s all she wanted, a little boy. So good for her when I came along, wasn’t it?” 

“Mushy…” Rowdy starts, but she’s already going.

“It ain’t fair of me to take that away from her, it really ain’t. Rowdy, it’s not a nice thing to do.”

He lightly grabs her upper arm and leads her away from the table, nodding at Quince to take over for her for the time being. He nods back.

“Juliette, honey, it’s all gonna be okay,” He says. 

“I’m jus’ being selfish anyway, faking all this. I’m a crazy little boy, ain’t I? Poor Heidi likes ladies, so lucky she found me an’ we could get married, but… I ain’t all I say I am. She knows that, an’ she probably just feels bad for me anyhow.”

Rowdy sighs and leads Mushy to where Gil is sitting, quietly sipping his morning coffee, and gently sits her down next to him. 

“Boss, Mushy’s run herself into a problem. Mind if we talk it over with you?”

Gil takes one look at Mushy and nods. “Of course. Anytime.” 

Mushy swallows hard and folds her hands in her lap. Suddenly, she’s all too quiet. 

“Come on, Mushy,” Rowdy prods. “Speak up like you was before.” He turns to Gil. “She was talkin’ my ear off the whole way over.”

“My ma’s coming to find me,” Mushy finally says, voice soft. “She’s gonna want me home. I ran off to come here, you know, I didn’t want to stay with her. I ‘specially don’t anymore.” She manages a weak laugh. “I couldn’t ever be a society lady.” 

Rowdy watches her carefully. “It ain’t fair, it really ain’t. Will she be mad?”

“Rowdy,” Gil says, warning. “Not a nice thing to ask.”

“S’okay, Mister Favor,” Mushy says. “She’ll be plenty mad. She’ll want to take me away more. I’ll tell her, ‘Ma, these men is the only real family I ever had,’ but she won’t listen. I ran away for good reason.”

“And we couldn’t stand to see you go,” Gil says with a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. We’ll take good care of you.” 

+

Mushy doesn’t talk much more about her mom in the following days, but Rowdy notices her gradually going back to wearing her clothes from before. 

He pushes his head into Gil’s lap and Gil sets his plate of food aside, moving his hands to Rowdy’s hair on instinct. 

“You doin’ alright?” He asks.

Rowdy makes a quiet ‘hm’ in confirmation. “Fine, Boss. Just worried about Mushy. She ain’t been herself these last few days.” 

Gil frowns and glances around to see if anyone else is paying attention. Then, he jams an elbow into Pete’s side.

“What?” Pete asks, looking startled. He looks from Gil to Rowdy to Gil. “What’d I do this time?” 

“You still remember how to braid hair?” Gil asks him.

Pete furrows his eyebrows. “I believe I do. Why? Your girls coming in?” 

Gil nods his head towards where Mushy is sitting and pushing food around her own plate. 

“Need ya to do something with Mushy’s mop of hair. She’s down in the dumps lately, thought it might help.”

Pete frowns a little, but he nods. “Sure thing, Boss. I’ll make sure I do.”

+

Rowdy feels a little bad about it, but he wants to keep an eye on Pete and Mushy to make sure that Pete doesn’t say or do anything stupid. It’s probably for the best, since Pete has been known to do things that aren’t so smart, but he wouldn’t like it very much if he found out that Rowdy was specifically looking to make sure he didn’t fuck up.

“You needed me, Mister Nolan?” Mushy asks as she half-jogs to where Pete is sitting on a log. There’s another spot next to him, and he pats it, gesturing for Mushy to sit down.

“Siddown, Mushy,” He says. “I’m gonna do something with this mess you’ve got goin’ on all over your head.” 

Mushy narrows her eyes, but she takes the seat anyway. Pete pulls her hat off of her head and her hair comes falling out of it. It’s long enough to reach her shoulders now, but she keeps it hidden in her hat anyway.

Rowdy glances around, and then picks up a rock of a nice size, dragging it over to sit next to them. 

“Mind if I watch?” He asks Pete. “I never did learn how to do anything like this, wouldn’t let anyone touch my hair as a kid. I figure I’ll need to learn sometimes, if I’m going to…” 

His words fade out and leave his throat dry. 

“Don’t mind at all,” Pete says, looking at him funny. “What would you ever need to learn how to braid hair for, though? Unless you’re planning on goin’ back to being a lady.”

Rowdy feels himself tense up. “Don’t say that, Pete. Don’t say things like that.”

Pete all but scoffs. He puts his hands on Mushy’s shoulders and spins her around, and then runs his fingers through her hair. 

“Thick stuff,” He says. Then, he splits the hair and starts braiding. Rowdy can see Mushy rolling her shoulders back, and he can see the tension building up as she stiffens. 

“Mushy,” Rowdy says, to break the silence. “Do you know when your ma’s getting in?” 

Mushy shrugs. “I wish. Then I’d know when 's’okay to wear my clothes I like.”

Rowdy frowns. “You can wear your clothes you like anytime. I know me an’ everyone else will take care of you.” He turns his head. “Isn’t that right, Pete?” 

Pete bites down on his lip. He says, “Of course. You’re… you’re our girl, Mushy, you know that. We might beat up on you ‘cause that’s what guys do, and you… you can take it, you ain’t soft like other girls. But you’re our girl all the same and we’ll take care of you.” 

He picks up a piece of ribbon that Rowdy had brought him from his last trip to town and ties Mushy’s hair up with it. He puts her hat back on her head over the twin braids. 

“S’nice,” He says. “You like?”

Mushy sniffs and rubs her nose with the back of her hand. 

“Yeah,” She says. She wipes a tear from her eye. “I oughta head back and help Mister Wishbone. Thanks, Mister Nolan.” She smiles. “Thanks, Rowdy.” 

+

Mushy’s mom shows up the next day. Mushy swallows hard and winds her braids back up her head, and tucks them into her hat. 

Rowdy watches as Wishbone grabs her arm and says, “You’ll be okay.” 

Gil sets his plate down on the table in front of her and leans forward to ask, “You want me to be correct to her? You want me to tell her you’re her little girl all along?” 

Mushy nods slowly, wringing her hands. “If that’s okay with you, Mister Favor.” 

“Of course,” Gil gives a reassuring smile. “I’ll be back to check on you.” 

Rowdy carefully catches up to Gil, slipping his arm around Gil’s waist and asking, “What are you gonna do, Boss?” 

Gil turns to press a kiss to Rowdy’s temple. 

“Talk to her, I suppose,” He says. “That’s ‘bout all I  _ can _ do.”

Rowdy nods and removes his arm, trailing just a few steps behind Gil as he makes his way towards Mushy’s mother. 

“Mrs Mushgrove, I presume?” He addresses her, hand extended. 

She takes it delicately. “Please, call me Martha. And you would be...?”

“Gil Favor, trail boss.” Gil smiles. “Pleasure to have you here.” 

“Likewise,” Martha says. “Mr Favor, could you point me in the direction of my son Harkness? I told him I would be arriving.”

“Well, you see, Mrs Mushgrove --” Rowdy tries to interrupt, but Gil holds up a hand for him to be silent. He stuffs his hands in his back pockets.

“Rowdy…” Gil warns. He offers Martha a smile. “Apologies for my ramrod, ma’am. He tends to get a bit hot-headed. Come with me, and we’ll talk about it.” 

Rowdy huffs and trails behind Gil as he leads Martha to a seat.

He leans against a tree and does his best to listen in. 

“Martha, I need to clear some things up with you before you go and talk to your kid,” Gil says. 

Martha furrows her eyebrows. “I know Harkness ain’t the smartest knife in the drawer, but he can’t have gotten into too much trouble since he ran away from home. Not anything you should need to clear up with me. Where is he?”

“Your… son…” Gil says, biting down momentarily on his lower lip before he resumes talking. “Well, your son would much rather be your daughter from now on, if that’s okay by you.” 

Martha blinks. She frowns. “I’m sorry?”

Gil sighs. He takes his hat off and sets it on the ground, running a hand through his hair. 

“Well, I can’t say I begin to understand it myself, but…” He glances at Rowdy momentarily and then back at Martha. “A close friend of mine, he was born a young lady, but as he got older, thought maybe that wasn’t so right. An’ he’s been living like a man most his life, and in my own opinion, it suits him much better. And your daughter, she heard about that, and realized she was much the same. Only the other way around. I know it must be hard to take in, but --”

“Harkness isn’t any kind of young lady,” Martha interrupts. “Not in any way. He’s much too rough for that. Besides, he’s too slow to decide anything like that for himself anyway. I certainly don’t have a daughter, I won’t believe it for a second. I’ll ask someone else where my son is, thank you very much.” 

“Mrs Mushgrove,” Gil says, standing up after her, but Martha is already walking away.

+

“Juliette!” Rowdy calls, half-jogging to catch up with Mushy. He pulls her around the backside of the wagon and tugs her hair out of her hat. “Mister Favor talked to your ma, you gotta be careful, okay? She ain’t takin’ too well to anything, but stand your ground. We’re all here for you, okay, ‘specially me. I know what it’s like.”

Mushy nods slowly, but she looks scared out of her mind. 

“You know where she is?” She asks.

Rowdy frowns. “Talkin’ to Pete. I know he ain’t the best person when it comes to arguing for ya, but he’ll get the point across in words she understands, maybe. Mister Favor tried hard, he did. You’ll prob’ly have to talk to her yourself at some point.” He fiddles with the collar of her shirt and grabs a piece of ribbon off the back of the wagon to tie around it in place of a handkerchief. “You’ll do okay, though, and we’ve all got your back.” 

Mushy sniffs. She brushes a stray strand of hair behind her ear and says, “Thanks, Rowdy,” with that stupid little smile of hers, and Rowdy feels like his heart is being squeezed in someone’s fist. She’s too good to have to deal with this. He wouldn’t wish this on anyone, especially not someone as nice and sweet as Mushy.

He stares at her a little longer and then places his hands on her waist, setting her down so she’s sitting with her legs dangling out the back of the wagon. He reaches around to untie her apron and set it aside, and then scans her with his eyes. 

“You oughta change clothes,” He decides. “Where are the pants Mister Favor made for you?” 

Mushy stares at her lap. “Back in the wagon. I don’t want my ma to yell at me. She’ll take one look at me like that an’ then it’s all over.” 

“Stand by yourself, Julie,” Rowdy says. He climbs into the wagon and searches through the bags behind her until he finds her old clothes. He tosses them towards her. “Put ‘em back on, if you can do that. You look nice, you really do.” He climbs back out of the wagon. “Come an’ find me if you need me, okay?”

Mushy nods. She grips the fabric tight in her hands. 

“Okay,” She says. “Okay.”

+

Rowdy is sitting with Gil by the cattle, sharing a bottle of whiskey Rowdy stole out of the wagon, when Mushy comes to them crying. She throws herself down in front of them and Rowdy shoots up so his back is straight.

“Mushy, what happened?” Gil asks, setting the bottle aside. Rowdy kneels down and wraps his arms around Mushy. She twists and buries her face in Rowdy’s shirt, gripping at him like her life depends on it. Gil watches carefully, and Rowdy sends a ‘help’ glance in his direction.

“Mushy,” Gil says. “Mushy, breathe, okay?”

Mushy takes in a shaky breath, and eventually she’s breathing evenly enough for Rowdy to let go and for Gil to pry her away lightly and look her in the eye, hand lightly under her chin, and asks, “What happened?” 

Mushy rubs at her eyes, and her face is red and wet, and she says, “My ma wants to take me home, she wants to cut all my hair and get me some new clothes and take me home. She says this drive ain’t--” She hiccups. “--ain’t a good place for a -- for a boy like me, an’ I need to go home.” She turns to Rowdy again, grabbing at his vest desperately. “Don’t let her take me, please, please don’t let her take me.”

Rowdy holds her close against his chest and glances at Gil, terrified. 

“Gil, what do we do?” He asks, carefully untying the ribbons from Mushy’s hair and brushing through it with his fingers. “We can’t let her take Mushy away. We just can’t.”

Gil bites down on his lip, clearly thinking hard. 

“I don’t know,” He finally says. “But why don’t you take her and sit in the wagon. Keep her close by, I’ll get her out of workin’ for today and we’ll think of something.” 

Rowdy nods slowly. He wraps an arm around Mushy’s waist and pulls her to her feet, keeping her close.

“You good to walk?” He asks her, and she nods. Rowdy sends another glance towards Gil, who is lost in thought, and then leads Mushy to the wagon. 

+

Rowdy watches Mushy stare blankly ahead of her. He takes the hat off her head and offers her a drink. 

She takes the bottle from his hand, tentatively takes a sip… and spits it all over the inside of the wagon. 

“Mushy!” Rowdy yelps, and Mushy, despite everything, laughs into the back of her hand.

“Geez, Rowdy,” She says, “How do you boys drink that? It tastes like piss.” She hesitates. “...no offense.” 

“Might as well be,” Rowdy tells her, picking the bottle up and taking a sip himself. “It don’t taste so great, but it’s good for pretending your problems don’t exist. You could stand to get drunk, Julie. It might do you some good.”

Mushy presses her lips together into a thin line and then takes the bottle, squeezing her eyes shut and throwing it back. Rowdy can hear her swallow at least three times before she puts it down again and rubs her mouth with the back of her hand. 

She coughs. 

“You good?” Rowdy asks her.

“Fine,” She says. “You talked to my ma?” 

Rowdy shakes his head, closing up the bottle and putting it away. “Pete got ahold of her last. I don’t think anyone’s talked to her since she got to you.” 

Mushy nods. She leans her head on Rowdy’s shoulder. 

“Sorry for dragging you all into this,” She says quietly. “I should jus’ man up and go home with her. Not like anyone’s gonna miss me too much. Besides, a cattle drive ain’t no place for a lady, is it?”

Rowdy laughs softly. “It is for a tough gal like you. And I could stand to have more ladies around, I really could. A lot of them are a hell of a lot better than any of us. If it’ll make you feel better to have some more girls around…” 

Mushy shakes her head. She says nothing.

“Maybe Mister Favor’s daughters,” Rowdy pipes up again. “Then again, maybe not. He’s awful protective of those girls.” 

Mushy reaches for the bottle again and pops off the top, taking another sip. 

“You think they’ll take a liking to you?” She asks Rowdy. “If Mister Favor ever takes you home to ‘em, of course.”

Rowdy blinks once. He blinks again. He holds his hand out for the bottle, which Mushy hands him easily.

“You know, I’m not so sure about it,” He admits. “Maybe he’s just been lonely all this time. I’m certainly around as long as he wants me here, but…” Suddenly Rowdy’s mouth feels drier than it has in a while. “I don’t know if he’ll want me that long.”

Mushy furrows her eyebrows. “You don’t think so?” 

Rowdy shrugs. “I’m just not so sure. There’s never been any… any plans for, for after the drive.” He laughs sadly. “Count yourself lucky that you’ve got someone planning on stickin’ with you forever.”

+

Rowdy loses track of how long it’s been, but it’s certainly been a while by the time Gil starts yelling. 

“If you’re not going to be kind to my men, and even kinder to that poor young lady, Missus, I’m gonna have to ask you to leave,” He’s shouting, louder and louder by the word. 

Rowdy pats Mushy’s thigh lightly, motioning for her to stay put, and sticks his head out the back of the wagon to see what’s going on.

“Pardon me, Mister Favor,” Martha huffs. “As long as my son is under eighteen, I can do what I please. I’m Harkness’ mother and I’m taking him home.”

“Like Hell you are,” Rowdy pipes up. He sends a glance back at Mushy and then hops out the back of the wagon, approaching Martha with his head high. 

Martha looks him up and down. “You must be the girl that did this to him, then?” 

Rowdy blinks. He glances around. “Do I look like any sort of girl to you, ma’am?” 

“Rowdy…” Gil warns. 

Rowdy looks at Gil and shakes his head. 

“I’ve got it,” He says. “And I’m… I’m okay, Gil, I am.” 

Gil softens. He takes a step closer to Rowdy and grabs at his fingers lightly. Rowdy wraps his hand around Gil’s and squeezes. 

“Ma’am, sorry to break it to you, but your daughter is staying right here with us. She don’t want to go anywhere with you, ‘specially not if you’re going to keep talking about her like that. She can…” He trails off, glancing at Gil, then shakes his head. “We’ll find a way to get her taken care of better than you ever could.”

Suddenly, Gil looks thoughtful. 

“I’d sooner have no child at all than a daughter, but Harkness is no daughter of mine,” Martha says. “He’s coming with me, and that’s final.”

“No, Ma, I ain’t,” Mushy says from behind Rowdy. He turns to look at her, giving her a reassuring smile. “I’ll find somewhere else to say, I will. I ain’t goin’ home with you. Never again.”

“Harkness,” Martha starts. 

Mushy shakes her head. “That ain’t my name, Ma, and I ain’t goin’ home with you. These men take better care of me than you ever did, an’ that’s really sayin’ something, because they don’t know what they’re doing so great either.”

Martha’s mouth opens and closes like a fish. Gil turns to Mushy, and says real quiet, so she and Rowdy are the only ones that can hear, “Juliette, how’d you like to come stay with me and Eleanor and the girls once this is all over? For as long as you need. Soon I’ll have saved enough to be able to watch my girls myself, and I don’t see why I couldn’t take care of you too.” 

Rowdy feels like his skin is getting tighter. 

“Excuse me, folks,” He says. “I need a minute to myself. Mrs Mushgrove, I sincerely hope I never have to see you again. I hope you’ll be going.”

+

Rowdy hasn’t been sitting by the beeves very long when Gil finds him plucking strings on Pete’s guitar and absently staring at the horizon. 

“Penny for your thoughts?” Gil sits down next to him, taking his hat off and setting it aside. 

Rowdy shrugs and strums the guitar strings again. “Not much going on in here. I just needed some peace and quiet. Sorry, Mister Favor.” 

Gil all but rolls his eyes. He takes the guitar from Rowdy’s hands and sets it on the ground by his feet. “Now, what’s this Mister Favor bullshit. I haven’t heard that from you in a while, not to my face.” 

Rowdy frowns. He leans against Gil’s side. 

“Sorry, Gil,” He says. “I got my nerves all up. With you inviting Mushy to stay with you an’ all. I try not to think much about life after the drive. I mean, away from you.” 

Gil wraps an arm around Rowdy’s shoulders and stares down at his own lap. 

“If you thought I wasn’t planning on bringing you with me, you’re mistaken,” He says, quiet now. “I was just waiting. I know Mushy ain’t got nowhere else to go, but I couldn’t be so sure about you. I didn’t want to make a mistake and scare you away.” 

Rowdy laughs despite himself. 

“Nothing you could do would scare me away, Boss,” He says. “Not for a million years.” 

+

Martha Mushgrove is on her way, and Rowdy brings Mushy with him to scout ahead while Pete’s in town picking up the mail. 

“You’re okay?” He asks her, as they ride side by side. “You’re gonna be okay staying with me an’ Mister Favor and the girls?” 

Mushy grins. “Better than anything else, I guess,” She says. “I couldn’t ask for anything better.”


End file.
